Blow

I left that scumbag.   I hate him.  I wish he would get hit by a train.  He keeps telling me what a scumbag I am.  How I deserve to be controlled.  So I wrote this email.  To get it out.   But I sent it to me.  He doesn’t necessarily need to know the truth.  

“You had the kids almost every day last week.  Saturday, they would have been home but you were threatening me.  Sunday you didn’t even say hi to them when you saw them, then left them at church, but never made any attempt to see them again.  Monday you decided to drive the car to work with no breaks.  I think Monday was the day you got pizza though and we hung out there before taking off?  Tuesday they stayed the night and I only got to see them for a few minutes? Wednesday you could have gone to scouts and that is all I saw them as I had a meeting and worked late, you saw them longer than I did.  Last night I worked late and then you went to your room to ignore them as soon as we got there.  You didn’t offer dinner or any alternative other than leaving.  Tonight we are stuck together because it is kid’s birthday.  You could have them tonight and tomorrow during the day, but instead you want to fight and yet again tell me how bad I am for leaving.  I’m sorry that I don’t like being treated poorly.  You have had them more than me in spite of the fact that I wanted a break I didn’t even get a bit of a break from you.  I haven’t quit pushing myself to be better ever, and I can’t work with you because you talk over me.  Everything you say has more weight than anything I say.  My needs, feelings, wants, thoughts, opinions, none of it matters.  All you spent the last three days doing is telling me how I’m the bad guy  I’m selfish, I take too much money, I take too much time with the boys, I don’t give enough, I dumped the house on you, I did all these things that are so bad for our relationship.  I’m the controlling one, and I don’t notice that you are just trying to accommodate me.  You have taken my apartment, my family, and every piece of dignity and self-respect I ever had.  You have taken everything from me and I’m still the bad guy.  I’m sorry that all this is so hard on you, but I’m really tired of hearing how me being quiet and trying so hard to be a good person and do what you want all the freaking time is a bad thing.  I take care of the boys, by myself.  I cook, by myself.  I clean, I read, I homework check, I do laundry, I do toys and outings and doctors and dentists and bathing.  I go to bed last and get up first.  I don’t go out to eat or buy myself things.  I listen to you endlessly berate me.  I do all sorts of things I do not want to do and make endless sacrifices, but still, I am the bad guy.  Every time.  I don’t sleep in.  I do my very best.  I don’t do any hobbies and the ONLY good thing I have in my life is my kids.  All you are to me is the person who tells me how wrong I am at every turn.  I don’t disagree with you ever and I’m scared to death of you, but you think it is all an act.  It isn’t an act.  I have a panic attack almost every time I go to the store. 

 

You think last weekend was an isolated incident?  I’ve been keeping track.  You do it about every two weeks.  You lose it.  You tell me all the things you want to to “hurt me into feeling how you feel”. 

 

Guess what, I already hurt.  Immeasurably.  But you think that you have to hurt me?

 

You already did.

 

Every two weeks.  With your crazy screaming rants.

 

And then almost daily with your nit picking.  “Dinner didn’t have the right…”  “It’s your fault that I couldn’t clean the…”   “I’m too tired to *chore* (obviously I can do it)” “why didn’t you..” “no I won’t help you with…”  “If you would just…” “You won’t ..” “fault” “blame”

 

I’m not aloud to tell you if ANYTHING you do bothers me.  You overreact, you dramatize, you are mean.  I can’t say a thing.  I “DESERVE” your tirades.  I am the “problem” I just “don’t see it from your point of view”.  I do.  I hate me too, but I’m tired of hating me and I can’t do it anymore.  I am a good person.  I work hard.  I don’t deserve to live in fear.  I don’t deserve to have my phone shut off because I got upset that you didn’t’ do a chore.  I don’t deserve to have to listen to your hour and a half tirade because I insinuated that you shouldn’t be allowed to treat me poorly.  I shouldn’t have to listen to you tell me for two hours repeatedly why my opinion on every subject is so stupid.  I’m tired of not existing and all I want is to be happy and healthy.  I have tried to take on every ounce of housework without complaint.  I have tried to happily go along as I am supervised as I buy everything and I have tried to put up with having to beg for any pennies.  I have tried to show you where “my money” is going in the budget, but a car payment for me is the same as you eating out.  You keep saying how you gave me money to move?  I paid for the ENTIRE MOVE ON MY OWN.  You have not paid a penny for the apartment or car.  You go on and on and on about how I don’t communicate, but when I try you interrupt every sentence.  Finally I give up and listen to your abuse for hours on end, but then in the end, you are never happy. 

 

You hate me.  You don’t take care of me or the boys.  I’m tired of it and I can’t keep dealing with it.  I’m tired of hurting.  I’m so freaking tired of this whole thing and then I try and leave and you want me to pretend I think the boys will be safe and taken care of? No.  I’m tired of your abuse.”

I’m lonely.  I’m miserable and I have no idea what’s next.   I hate him for …. Everything.

I wish he would fuck off.  
Yourself.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Oh dear. He sounds like a real piece of work. Next time, email him. Don’t email yourself. He needs to know what is acceptable and what is not. Abusing you is not acceptable.
    Hold him accountable for what and who he is. Once you stand up to him, he will retreat. I find this true of all narcissists. It took me forty years to stand up to mine but he backed down like the coward his is.
    When they think they have all the power, they usually…until you let them know that you are taking your power back!
    Stay strong. 🙂

    Like

    1. I can’t. He shuts off my phone or whatever…. When I used to stand up for myself he would throw things at me or choke me or whatever…. 😦

      Like

      1. That’s when you call the police. That is assault. Don’t misunderstand….I’m not being cavalier in my comments. It only took me forty years to get enough gumption to finally tell my abuser….ENOUGH.

        Liked by 1 person

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