Just updating to say, no. I did not get up the time, energy, courage, or whatever to call yet another number that will most likely reject me today. I’m sorry that I have a good job and no money. I don’t have control over the money. I’m sorry I don’t have courage, but I only get told no. I’m sorry that it scares the fuck out of me to breathe. I guess that’s what a lifetime of abuse does. If only I had tried to get help.
But. I didn’t kill myself. In spite of the fact that I have to go suck it up for weekend with the inlaws.
I am still a little hopeful for next week. I am still kinda trying. But not really. I’ll just chicken out.
Man I’m crazy suicidal tonight. Fuck.
I have been kinda vapid all day. It was all I could do to be kind. I wanted to just …. I don’t know. I’ll try to run in the morning. Fuck.