Just updating to say, no.   I did not get up the time, energy, courage, or whatever to call yet another number that will most likely reject me today.   I’m sorry that I have a good job and no money.  I don’t have control over the money.  I’m sorry I don’t have courage, but I only get told no.  I’m sorry that it scares the fuck out of me to breathe.  I guess that’s what a lifetime of abuse does.   If only I had tried to get help.  
Oh wait.

I did.  
But.  I didn’t kill myself.  In spite of the fact that I have to go suck it up for weekend with the inlaws.

I am still a little hopeful for next week.  I am still kinda trying.  But not really.  I’ll just chicken out.  

Man I’m crazy suicidal tonight.  Fuck.

I have been kinda vapid all day.   It was all I could do to be kind.   I wanted to just ….  I don’t know.  I’ll try to run in the morning.   Fuck.


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