So…. I’m still sorry about the sporadic posting. The truth is that it is so bad, I can’t even think long enough to say it. The words sound so childish. I feel like I’m watching it.
I smiled as I handed him the sandwich he demanded this morning. He yelled at me and told me that I was being “sarcastic”.
Yesterday he yelled at all of us all day. Every time anyone spoke. I wish that was an exaggeration, but it just isn’t. The truth is he kept calling us idiots and telling us how mad we were making him as we all refused to react to his shit.
He yelled at me as I told my son to say “yes dad” to him for something my son wasn’t really doing wrong. I can’t recall the nature of his behavior now, but I remember knowing that it wasn’t an ok reason to yell at him and just telling my son to do it since it was simple.
The man wants a fight and we are all totally out of fight, which just makes him more angry. He is pure evil at this point. He hasn’t stopped in weeks. His rage knows no bounds. He called my son an idiot the other night because my son was trying to listen to him. Anytime you don’t agree with him he says you are a moron or idiot. He never listens, but he wants us to hang on his every word. I hate him.
He’s probably going to hit me soon. Last time he was this bad he did. Last time he was this bad he drug me out. By my feet. He scraped up my whole side and head.
He thinks I deserved it.
Today I sat on the bathroom floor for a minute looking at my vein. I ran my thumbnail across my vein. I wished. I thought about all the times I’ve thought about it. All the times I’ve looked over a bridge. I thought about all the reasons I could.
Then I thought about the fact that it wouldn’t matter. It never really matters at all. Nothing matters. I’m trying to be numb.
Yesterday. Yesterday he yelled because I couldn’t make a decision. This is after I told him what I wanted to do, knowing he’d yell if I didn’t. Then he told me to do the opposite and yelled because I refused to express myself. Yesterday he yelled because Boy 2 talked about dessert. He yelled because Boy 2 talked about “money”. (He was talking about a $5000 something imaginary that he doesn’t have or really want, he’s just talking.) Yesterday he yelled because Boy 1 is such an idiot because of some innocuous behavior. Yesterday he yelled because no one was talking and everyone was miserable and it’s all my fault because I am such a bummer to be around. My attitude and demeanor drag everyone down.
Today I did his chore that he keeps avoiding. It wasn’t hard. He’s such a fat lazy ass. I hate him.
Today I want to go in my room, but he won’t leave it and when I’m in there he tells me what a worthless piece of shit I am. I hate him.
I’m starting a twitter because you can text twitter status updates I think. I can’t handle his drama anymore and I need a way to get some of my feelings out and record some of this shit as it happens. It feels so surreal now that there was nothing I could do about his angry outbursts. It doesn’t even matter anymore. I hate him and I will leave him as soon as I can. No one will help us now because he hasn’t hit me I’m sure. No one cares if you have to hear what an ugly piece of shit you are a million times a day. Everyone thinks you must have deserved it. Everyone thinks you are exaggerating. That’s what he tells me. He tells me “If you wouldn’t *blah* I wouldn’t do this. It’s your fault you stupid idiot.” “I’m not like this anywhere else, you’re the problem.”
He doesn’t know that everyone in the world but him thinks I’m sweet and happy and snarky and fun and weird. People love me. He’s the only one who doesn’t.
I am going to do everything I can to get him to not hit me, but some asshole doc gave him muscle relaxers. Some asshole fucker believed his lies. Some jackass. Someone who doesn’t know he gets violent on and off this shit. He thinks about it all the time. The doc isn’t an asshole. He just doesn’t know that my dumbfuck husband is a sociopath. He can lie to your face. He has no moral compass. He has no feelings. He will abuse anyone for his own gain.
Today. He’s watching a show about these people who have been kidnapped, they are in these glass rooms. They are hostages for seven years. This man is using them and drugging them so that he can learn some shit. I know he is fantasizing about controlling people. That’s what he wants all the time, he wants to be the man in charge. The man that holds all the power. He feels like the guy in the box though, so he does the stuff that trapped people do. He’s mean and cruel to try to get out of a box that he isn’t in. He is outrageous.
Someone told me they thought I was sweet and didn’t realize how “hood” I was. I like her. I hope we can be friends. She seems to get that I’m not just sugar. I need more people to compliment me right now. I look like crap and I’m underperforming significantly, but God I’m trying.
I’m getting kinda weak right now. I wish I could go lay down. Maybe a shower will help.
Anyway -as for the title. I want to start a Twitter, but I can’t keep track of all the passwords in my head and I am scared he will take them when I write them down.
I need to get a go bag. I need a spare car key and stuff. If he hits me I need to go, but if I leave with the kids here no one will believe me. What do I do? I want to die because there is no good road.
Oh – sorry for the random. My kids got me a bunch of gifts saying I am “the best teacher in the world”. Their parents like me too. I hope I can keep this job for a couple years. I like it. I hope I can find a place to live. I could feel like a good teacher if it weren’t for the turmoil at home. I am trying to manage my head – I need to get a book out and get my shit together over break. I can’t believe I have to spend it with him. I wish he didn’t have time off. I hate him. He’s such a loser and I can’t believe that all my talent is being wasted in this bullshit relationship. I’m thirty two. I’ve been abused as long as I can remember. I’ve been suicidal since I was 11. I am a functional member of society and doing my best to put a smile on my face and make the world better. Today I hope that you can too.
Maybe when I finally walk away God can see fit to bless me with a decent life. I hope I can find peace in being single and not be a loser who jumps into another relationship. I hope I can find peace though. I need peace.