Well this morning I got to wake up to “You dumped the kitchen on me like this and I’m not doing it, you need to get up and make biscuits and gravy”.
The follow up (hours later, after letting him sleep like the little bitch teenager he is) “I didn’t do anything wrong, you were rude to me”. (I told him that I had already cleaned it for him, and that he should do it now.)
Cause yet again, he cannot take responsibility for anything. I need a divorce sooooo fucking bad. I hate his fucking guts. I know that I will never find a decent person, but at least I can be alone.
I still am not at the point where I can risk my kids, but I am seeing more and more that they are screwed either way. I am seeing more and more that whether he gets custody or not I can build a better life for them alone. I am still so worried that he will lie his way into custody. It would not be beneath him to lie. He doesn’t feel anything when he lies. I learned that the hard way when he stole $3,000 from unemployment, which he spent on paintball gear he never uses, then denied he did it, even when he had to pay it back and I had copies of the invoices. I also learned that the time he threatened to break his own arm and then say I did it. Or the multiple times he has stolen and hidden my keys, wallet or phone. Speaking of which I forgot to hide them last night. I am such an idiot.
I have wasted fourteen years of my life on this scumbag. Fuck him. Fuck life.
I can’t even kill myself. I stood in the shower fantasizing about it this morning, but I came to the same conclusion as always – I’m too weak. The world would be better off with less people like me in it, but I can’t bring myself to give him that satisfaction. I can’t bring myself to punish my family like that. I wish that the fact that I don’t kill myself made me a good person, I know it doesn’t.
I wish he would just get treatment for his bipolar that he won’t admit he has, but he spends more time low than high. I guess it could just be depression with rage? Narcissism with a vengeance? I could be that he is still attached at the umbilical cord to the people who never had the nerve to tell him to shut up and he’s fucking wrong. Not that he would believe them if they did, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else calling him out on his bullshit lies.
He is bullying everyone at work and well on his way to getting fired. I know that the “promotions” are just a screen. I know that he has in some way done this to “himself”. I know he’ll be fired in two years. It is already going downhill. Everyone there is already making mistakes and the company is “going downhill” through no fault of his own.
He’s like the company destroyer. He’s a loser and I hate him so much when he is like this. I hate him always though. Even when he was doing what I wanted (for the whole ten hours that lasted) I hated him. He doesn’t listen to me ever, it’s always a major effort for him to do that even and I can tell it is not out of feelings of respect or adoration, I know it is out of a deep seated need for me to treat him like the king of the world. But he is a loser who is destroying my soul. I wish he would stop putting so much effort in to hurting me. I wish he had a heart.
I want a divorce, desperately. I want a life that will get my needs met too. I wish my entire life at home and in public didn’t have to be about meeting the needs of others. I love others, but “when’s it my turn…. when I learn…”