Convoluted.

You know abusers often accuse their victims of abuse.

When he accuses me of abuse I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry.  What if a third party would see me as the abuser?  If an impartial view of our situation was possible, who would be right?  If you could see our hearts, is mine pure?  Am I really trying to make it work?  Would the abuser look into herself and wonder if they were the problem?  Am I only looking into myself to sure my position atop my self-righteous pedestal?  Am I self righteous?

Clarity would be appreciated.

I came home happy tonight, yet again he was a jerk.

I tried to talk, to make an effort, to work on this relationship that I really don’t care about anyway.  I was polite, asked about his day, but he ignored me, told me I didn’t care.  He’s just being dramatic and I know it, but I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to go on with life as it is.

We both know the other person is done, and that it isn’t anything personal it has been too long, too much drama, too much unpraised effort.  It’s all just been too much.  He is cruel, but he doesn’t think so.  Tonight he said I’m just trying to manipulate him because I’m controlling and abusive.  I found a divorce website pulled up on my son’s phone.  I know my kids weren’t looking at that.  I know the kind of bull crap they look at.  I could ask them in the morning, but I don’t see any reason to burden them with the contents of their father’s Internet searches that he lies about.  Then I doubt myself of course.  What if he’s right.  He says he’s a normal guy, none of them help out at all.  They all come home and do nothing and only have one minute sex and let garbage pile up on the floor.

I’m sure he is normal.  All guys are shit.  I hate them all and wish I had never met him.  I wish I was dead.  Dead sounds so nice.  No one can make you feel infinitesimally small when you are dead.  I used to believe in life after death.  I don’t know anymore.  What kind of God allows someone to grow up in the shit circumstance I did, allows someone to feel so very alone that they then make decisions that destroy the rest of their lives?  When will it be better?  When will I be better?

“There are no victims, only volunteers” the TV said.  and there is no one to talk to about this, so I share it here.  What a quote.

 

I am pretty awful when I get mad….   About once a month.  Most of the time I am level headed though.  I just brush off his abuse.  “Fuck You”.  “You’re abusive” “you’re manipulative” “no I wasn’t looking at that, it must have been you, being manipulative” he’s such a d-bag.

I walked away.  I should go to bed, but I want to be held.  No one will hold me.  I’m not precious.

I just want a happy ending.  I want millions of dollars.  I want to be pretty.  I should get to be pretty or skinny or happy or healthy or amazing.  Even if I was, no one would know.

You know they say that victims often become like their abusers.  What if I am becoming a narcissist?  What if I am becoming… something else….

I have ADHD and depression.  I’m dealing.

I think I might have borderline personality disorder.  I think I might be getting sicker.

My desk is a mess.  That usually only happens when I’m sick.  I can’t keep up and I can’t kick this cold.  Maybe I will go tanning tomorrow.  I can’t tan.  I’d just burn.  I hate being white.  I hate being me.  I want to be someone else.

Maybe I should just run away.  My kids are pretty fucked up anyway.  I don’t seem to be doing all that well as a mom.  Maybe me leaving could be catalyst enough for him to be a decent dad.  I doubt it.  He sucks as a human.  He belittles and puts down.  He’s a terrible human.  I hate him more than words can say.  I suck at writing or I would have some eloquent way to describe this hate.

I try so hard to hide my feelings.  I know they aren’t truly hidden though.  I know he knows how much I hate him.  Why is he so cruel???  I just want to be happy.  I try to be nice, I try to laugh and be lovely, but he’s so awful.  He yells at me all the time.  He yells and then mocks me for having my feelings hurt by his “normal, and totally acceptable comments” that deserve no apology.  I should just get over it.  I’m just being sensitive.

Chicken, or egg?

Muddy.