Convoluted.

You know abusers often accuse their victims of abuse.

When he accuses me of abuse I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry.  What if a third party would see me as the abuser?  If an impartial view of our situation was possible, who would be right?  If you could see our hearts, is mine pure?  Am I really trying to make it work?  Would the abuser look into herself and wonder if they were the problem?  Am I only looking into myself to sure my position atop my self-righteous pedestal?  Am I self righteous?

Clarity would be appreciated.

I came home happy tonight, yet again he was a jerk.

I tried to talk, to make an effort, to work on this relationship that I really don’t care about anyway.  I was polite, asked about his day, but he ignored me, told me I didn’t care.  He’s just being dramatic and I know it, but I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to go on with life as it is.

We both know the other person is done, and that it isn’t anything personal it has been too long, too much drama, too much unpraised effort.  It’s all just been too much.  He is cruel, but he doesn’t think so.  Tonight he said I’m just trying to manipulate him because I’m controlling and abusive.  I found a divorce website pulled up on my son’s phone.  I know my kids weren’t looking at that.  I know the kind of bull crap they look at.  I could ask them in the morning, but I don’t see any reason to burden them with the contents of their father’s Internet searches that he lies about.  Then I doubt myself of course.  What if he’s right.  He says he’s a normal guy, none of them help out at all.  They all come home and do nothing and only have one minute sex and let garbage pile up on the floor.

I’m sure he is normal.  All guys are shit.  I hate them all and wish I had never met him.  I wish I was dead.  Dead sounds so nice.  No one can make you feel infinitesimally small when you are dead.  I used to believe in life after death.  I don’t know anymore.  What kind of God allows someone to grow up in the shit circumstance I did, allows someone to feel so very alone that they then make decisions that destroy the rest of their lives?  When will it be better?  When will I be better?

“There are no victims, only volunteers” the TV said.  and there is no one to talk to about this, so I share it here.  What a quote.

 

I am pretty awful when I get mad….   About once a month.  Most of the time I am level headed though.  I just brush off his abuse.  “Fuck You”.  “You’re abusive” “you’re manipulative” “no I wasn’t looking at that, it must have been you, being manipulative” he’s such a d-bag.

I walked away.  I should go to bed, but I want to be held.  No one will hold me.  I’m not precious.

I just want a happy ending.  I want millions of dollars.  I want to be pretty.  I should get to be pretty or skinny or happy or healthy or amazing.  Even if I was, no one would know.

You know they say that victims often become like their abusers.  What if I am becoming a narcissist?  What if I am becoming… something else….

I have ADHD and depression.  I’m dealing.

I think I might have borderline personality disorder.  I think I might be getting sicker.

My desk is a mess.  That usually only happens when I’m sick.  I can’t keep up and I can’t kick this cold.  Maybe I will go tanning tomorrow.  I can’t tan.  I’d just burn.  I hate being white.  I hate being me.  I want to be someone else.

Maybe I should just run away.  My kids are pretty fucked up anyway.  I don’t seem to be doing all that well as a mom.  Maybe me leaving could be catalyst enough for him to be a decent dad.  I doubt it.  He sucks as a human.  He belittles and puts down.  He’s a terrible human.  I hate him more than words can say.  I suck at writing or I would have some eloquent way to describe this hate.

I try so hard to hide my feelings.  I know they aren’t truly hidden though.  I know he knows how much I hate him.  Why is he so cruel???  I just want to be happy.  I try to be nice, I try to laugh and be lovely, but he’s so awful.  He yells at me all the time.  He yells and then mocks me for having my feelings hurt by his “normal, and totally acceptable comments” that deserve no apology.  I should just get over it.  I’m just being sensitive.

Chicken, or egg?

Muddy.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. I wondered if I too was becoming a narcissist but my friends assured me that I was NOT. I too was accused of being manipulative and controlling.
    A narcissist ALWAYS blames the other person. My ex would do something like driving home when he was so drunk he could hardly stand up and when I got mad at him, instead of apologizing….he got mad at me for getting mad at him.
    It was that way for forty years.
    If you leave your children it will not make him a better father. It will just give him fuel to turn them against you.
    All narcissists are bullies and all bullies are cowards. Stand up to him. If he lays a hand on you, call the police.

    Like

    1. I feel so crazy! I want to wear a body camera so that I can show someone just how quick he goes from zero to psycho, then to “I didn’t do anything wrong, you’re just being (insert insult), calm down”. 😦 I’m glad you understand why I don’t leave. I always feel like everyone is judging me. I try so hard not to talk about it, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t say something. I shouldn’t say anything. I should save it all for here… I’m so needy though 😦 I hate that I need validation, I wish I was a real woman, and I could just shut up about it. I feel like trash when I talk about it. Not on here, because no one knows me or can judge me… Well I guess people could judge me….
      I don’t know. I’m tired of waiting for life. I just want to live already.

      Like

      1. Get a small tape recorder. That’s what I did. I recorded all of our conversations toward the end.
        Needing validation does not mean you are not a “real” woman. It means you have been mistreated so long that you are starting to believe it.
        Don’t shut up about it. Get it out. Otherwise, it will fester.
        You should never feel like trash when you post about how you feel and what you have been through. There are SO many of us out there. I have surprised myself at some of the things I have said but …..they were the truth and I had to say them.
        Those of us on here never judge. Most of us have been where you are. Some of us ARE where you are.
        We are a band of bloggies and we are here for you. Say anything you want. Tell us how you feel. Know that we understand and hurt for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much. It is amazing to me that I’m not alone. Usually I just keep quiet, because when people know about the abuse it becomes you. Like the fact that I’m tough as fucking nails and can deal with abuse for an entire lifetime and I can still manage to be the best fucking teacher in the building means that all I am is a victim. But you can’t tell them to fuck off because they really are trying to help, they just don’t seem to understand it isn’t all I am. But then some days it is all I am because I can’t push it down. Some days it gets you down…

        Anyway I just really appreciate the support!!!!

        Like

      3. You’re so welcome. My children thought I was a Steel Magnolia..and I was. I was supermom…but after I found out about their fucking “father”, I hit the ground and just couldn’t get back up.
        They accused me of being a martyr and the “perennial victim.”
        I’m also the great pretender. I was for years.
        Just stay strong and distance yourself from anybody who just doesn’t understand or WANT to understand what happened to you and why you’re so broken. You are a victim. We all are. Sweeping it under the carpet is not a solution.
        Get it out. If they don’t want to hear it and can only see you as a “victim” they will never understand….of course…until it happens to them.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Truth. I wish it didn’t have to happen to anyone though.

        Liked by 1 person

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