I am trying so hard to just be cool.
I wish I was.
Trust me, I want to blend. I want to be invisible and ok with it.
I desperately want to be happily translucent.
But I’m miserable as fuck. Every day, I obsess about my loneliness. I want to, I need to get over it. I need to not be 11 anymore since I’m over thirty and all.
But every night I just feel miserable.
I married a guy who hates me. In all fairness I hate him too.
I am trying to not be a bitch. Maybe I am a bitch, I really can’t decide, but the truth is that I just really want to do well in life. It isn’t going well. Life is shit. What is so hard about cleaning up after yourself, not lying, paying the shit you say you paid – oh yea and actually listening for a sec. I know it’s too much to ask for and I’m not really worth it.
I found more bills he said he “paid” tonight. I can’t do it all. I’m so sorry that I can’t make it without your half of our income. I can. I’m just tired of watching as he spends a thousand or so dollars a month as I wear holes in the only comfortable pair of shoes I have. Now, the rain has started. I have no shoes to wear in the rain and it is likely to rain every day for the next four months. Never mind that I have wanted a camera and bike for years. I don’t need those things but it would make me feel … nothing. I would fell nothing TBH. I don’t care about anything. Maybe it’s time to ask about some more anti-depressants. I’ve been off for years, but the suicide thoughts are still really bad right now. I’m not sure what the upper limit on suicide thoughts in a day is. Twenty years of this shit though, Even on the anti-depressants they didn’t go away. Counseling, they didn’t go away. Nothing makes them go away. Maybe I’m just crazy af. I should delete this paragraph. I wish I could delete my life as easy as I could delete this paragraph.
Life sucks. I can’t make it not suck. I can’t connect with people. I can’t make friends.
Do you know how many people I talked to today? I bet you can guess.
Why can’t I obsess about the fact that I made my boss laugh. I made everyone laugh. As usual. Why can’t I just be happy that I am competent. I know what I’m doing. I’m old enough to kinda know what I’m doing. Luckily I look about ten years older than I am so everyone thinks I’m super old and no one gives a flying f.
I just don’t understand life or society or happiness. I wish I knew how to be connected and have friends and lead and be happy. Life eludes me. I wish there were rules that I understood. There aren’t though. No matter what I do, I am the square peg. I am too needy. I try so hard to seem independent. I am independent I think. I just want to have a person.I just want someone to care. I just want to be held. I want to say, “I hate it when you do …” and not have to worry that if I say it wrong I will get spanked or drug out or have my clothes thrown over the balcony. I am so scared. I want to have a friend. I need someone to give a crap and I hate that in our society you have to be not me to get that and I really wish I could be whatever you need to be to not be treated like shit and ignored. I wish I could be pretty or rich or perfect or whatever. I really don’t care what it is that I need to be, but at this point I would do anything.
If I stop being monogamous or start drinking or become homeless. Seriously, how the fuck do you make a friend? How do you have fun? How do you get a life that doesn’t solely consist of helping others and working your ass off?
I work hard-ish. I’m funny-ish. I am ugly, so I’ll never be the center of attention. I am decent at most lay-tasks. I can’t cook, but I can bake you cookies. I can’t pay my own bills, but I am self-sufficient mostly. I’m generally not incredibly neurotic or whatevs when I first meet people. That may not be true. I run at a pretty high rate of perfectionism and neuroticism. Lucky for everyone else – I save all the crazy for me. I’m sure that’s exhausting. I feel sorry for everyone around me. That must be exhausting to be around as much crazy as I am.
You know my issue with that shit? Everyone else has issues too. It’s not like I’m the only one with a subscription to the crazy train. Everyone is fucked. Everyone is selfish and bitchy and whiny and a fun blend of asshole and princess. So why the fuck is there no one for me?