Voiceless.

When I get a cold I frequently lose my voice, about three times a year.  My family knows I hate trying to talk when I lose my voice.  It hurts my entire esophagus.  It hurts my stomach.

I can’t rest.  They “need” me.  Really they are just too lazy to work hard and it is really easy to pretend that I’m somehow the responsible party.

So today I have a cold.  I’m not asking people to take care of me.  I am asking that people take care of some of their own shit for once.  So, I pick up both kids and head to the third’s game.  It takes two hours to get thirty five miles here, but hey, no big deal…

I stand at the game where the two littles can’t possibly be expected to not scream like banshees at the park, and they can’t come when I clap, I can’t whistle loud enough so that’s my only option other than straining so hard I feel like my entire windpipe will crack in half.

They’re little, I can handle it.

But him.  He reads texts all the time while he drives.  Hell, he watches TV while he drives.  My texts are short – just trying to rush to get one of the littles to where he needs to be in time.  He refuses.  He calls and says “you can just whisper”.

Fuck you.

So I do, in spite of the searing pain.  The wrath of not doing what is desired is too much.

Then he gets to the game.  Where he still refuses to text because “it’s embarrassing and (I) can whisper”.

Fuck you.

Seriously.  What the fuck is wrong with you?

He makes me explain in great detail the plan (that he knows and that he read the texts about, but at this point he’s just being a complete asshole – as usual, he wants to engage people in drawn out conversations, but you can only say what he wants you to say, and he’s going to insult you and belittle you, but even if you do hit all the right things, you won’t say them right, so he’ll insult and belittle you..).  He agrees to the plan.  Then, in true asshole form he refuses to do the plan (mind you this is all in a four minute period.  We are in a hurry.  #2 is late to his thing.  I want to die in the worst way.  There is no way in hell that other people have to put up with this level of narcissistic bullshit.  There is no way to explain his behavior, or my own at this point.

He then draws out a conversation because now that it is time to go, he wants to change.  Now he wants to switch roles because he’s “tired” and doesn’t want to. Oh goodie.

Cause I’m just sick and he keeps making me talk.  I’m fine.  Just fine.

Fuck you.

What a prick.

He has been working, sick or golfing every weekend for the last year.  He is never available to cook or clean or help out.  I am alone, which would be fine, except that I have to be alone at his will.  I have to be ready to listen whenever and I never get to talk, except the rare occasion he has a point to prove and demands that I talk, but only on his terms and then he is going to finish all of them for me because I’m too stupid to finish them myself anyway.  It’s good that I’m a robot.

Fuck.

It is great to have the consistency of knowing that every day that goes by I will talk to zero people who give a flying fuck about me.  I love that on this day when I was so sick I couldn’t get even one person to give a fuck.

I got an award today for being an example of good spirit.  I smile and encourage and am happy.

At least I’m faking it well – that’s something.

But really today I just wanted to die.  Because seriously, who wants to be lonely every day?  Who wants to exist in a world where no one cares about them?  Who wants to continue serving constantly every day, every minute, with no one noticing them?  I told someone how much service I’ve been asked to give and they just looked at me.  They’re the one that put me in the position that apparently they didn’t realize what they were asking…  Thanks for that.  At least I got out of part of it today.  It was just a coincidence, but it hurts and I’d rather not.

Casual conversations.  Praying that no one notices what a loser I am.  Wishing every second that someone – anyone would just give a fuck.  But they don’t.  They can’t.  I tried so hard to talk to people today.  I even had free time.  Everyone is too busy though, and what do they care?  They have friends here.

And I care about them.  I smile.  I ask them about their lives.  I try to remember the details.  I do everything I can to make every one of them happy.  I am sure I don’t make them happy.  I am sure some of them try to make me happy.  I’m sure I’m just an ungrateful bitch who can’t seem to manage a completely simple life that literally anyone else could handle better.

So I guess then I wonder, why do I feel so empty?  Why can’t I connect?  Why am I so lonely when I am around so very many people?  Service is supposed to make you happy, my entire life that’s what they say.  They also said college was a way out, but you know the truth?  There is no way out.  It’s lies.  You are always going to be some degree of fucked.

Course they also said to go to college.  They said that if I did what I loved I would find happiness.

I wanted a family.

But I’m stuck here in hell.

Silent.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. I have been exactly where you are. I don’t know how old you are but I would imagine that you are relatively young. I had four little ones before I was thirty-two. Loser was never around to help.
    I waited too long to stand up and roar. I wasted forty years of my life with that asshole and his family.
    There are people who care. I have found such grace, forbearance and support here and I don’t know what I would have done without my bloggies.
    We may be cyber friends but we will be here for you to talk to. You can cry, shout, curse and say exactly what you want to say. We listen and offer as much help as we can. Many of us have become friends outside WordPress. That friendship is there for you as well.
    Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am working on staying strong. I have stood up for myself many times. I don’t anymore because he has gotten physical too many times and he is far bigger than me. Now I know it’s best to tolerate it. Eventually I will leave him, but for now I hate to leave him alone with my kids even for a weekend. He doesn’t take care of them, he makes my 13 year old do all the work and it can really send my babies into a tailspin being alone with him. I just have to get it figured out how to take care of them. As soon as I get the money to support myself and the ability to stand up I will. Until then I will just be on here. I just keep hoping that all this typing does me some good. I hope processing anonymously, but still where people can see my story.

      I appreciate your support so much. I’m trying to read about people who have been through it, people who are going through it. People who are strong like me and know the value of keeping kids safe, and just making it through past bad decisions that seem to rule our lives.

      I’m 32 by the way. Still young enough. 🙂

      Like

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