I met him.
I’m not even sure when. I guess I could have met him briefly when I was 15, but recently I met him when I was 18. It was the spring of my senior year. In running start, he was in my logic class at college. I figured I was graduating soon and could handle an adult relationship. I am stupid, what can I say.
He was sick a lot. I brought him soup and was kind and helpful. I tried to help him study and was very understanding when he didn’t study and did poorly in class. Six years my senior, I figured he knew what he was doing.
I tried to be active, but I was naive at best. I believed that he had good intentions when he put off the active dates that I desired. I did the dinner and a movie thing. I hated the dinner and a movie thing, but I gave up. Obviously I was being unreasonable.
I didn’t talk much, mostly I listened. He purposely took wrong turns when driving, trying to be romantic, but really he just wanted an audience for his soliloquies. I listened obediently. I didn’t really need to talk. I didn’t need to matter or feel loved. He would occasionally say I mattered, and he made those wrong turns to spend time with me. I went out of my way to see him, and believed he would do more for me if his circumstances were better. I don’t know why I believed so well of him.
I was a virgin. At the time I wanted to wait until marriage. I didn’t want to be lonely. I was cautioned strongly to stay away from him by church officials. I thought they were just being mean/controlling. I’m not sure why I was so against authority as a youth. I needed someone to love me. It would be ok to have sex before marriage. All the TV shows made it look hard to get pregnant. It would be fine. We had been dating two months when I gave up my virginity so I wouldn’t be lonely. He came in less than two minutes and spent no time trying to make me feel good. It took me years to come to terms with this choice. It took me years to forgive myself. It took me years to get over this one decision. I still hold it as one of the worst decisions I ever made. Why didn’t anyone tell me? They probably did. I was too smart for them.
I went away to school, but not far enough. We still saw each other, I never got mine. He visited. We would fight most of the time if I talked. I tried not to talk. My virginity. I had given it up. This had to be it. He had to be the one.
I was in school. I tried to focus. I tried to be good. I tried to be myself. I also tried to stop existing. But I always existed. Why did I keep existing? I thought about suicide more when he was around. He could mess around, I couldn’t. He could talk, but I was always wrong. He was never wrong.
I thought about exploring different careers. I gave him sex whenever he stopped by. He would never do anything I wanted and there were lots of nice people around. I could have made friends. I could have been social. Maybe I could have even gone to a party. I was just trying to be good and the only kind of good I knew was getting married. Settling down. Why did I buy that shit? Why didn’t I try drinking? Why did I subscribe to religious bull? I wish I had been struck by lightning for my transgression. It would have been far better than the life that resulted from what I did. His thoughts were out of control, but I thought it was me. He wasn’t the first person to lose his temper and all his faculties around me. I figured if I had held out my virginity I would deserve good sex. I didn’t deserve good sex. I deserved the nothing he gave me with his bullshit “I don’t know what I’m doing” excuse.
I deserved to be invisible. I deserved to not exist. I deserved