Church.

 

Institutional Indoctrination.

Outgoing, try anything.  Not shy.  Say too much, too fast.  Talk too much.  I’m not pretty.  I’m fat.  I do not understand for a second what is so very wrong with me.  I really wish I could be someone.  I wish I could be anyone.  I wish I had money.  Money is all that really matters, not God, not church, not friends.  I have nothing.  God hasn’t seen fit to benefit me with anything.  What happens when, at the end of the day I have no faith, no beauty, no friends, no life.  I have nothing.

I spent the better part of the day contemplating suicide.  It is erosive or corrosive, maybe both.  My soul aches. I know that these idealizations come and go.  I guess the meandering of this post is just an attempt to make sense of the hours of pondering.  It isn’t normal to hate life as much as I do.  It isn’t normal to have absolutely no positive attributes.  It isn’t normal to be like me.

I just wish that all that prayer and singing made it seem better.  I wish all that instruction made me feel less alone.  I have had no social conversations in the last week.  The other adult in my house insists on fighting and moping and taking plenty of time to himself.  I have unpacked the boxes and been alone and gone to work and been alone, I am alone.  I don’t even know how to be together with people.  I am too scared.

I need a new skirt.

Can anyone No one cares.

Daycare is 2.5 x more expensive than before.

No one cares.

I can’t do my hair.

No one cares.

I wish I were dead.

No one cares.

There is a pattern.

No one cares.

I’ll wake up tomorrow.

Alone, I will face the world.

No one will care.

No one will notice.

I will be invisible.

I am invisible today.

No one cares.

I’d just like to say, yet again, I will get through these thoughts.  I’m just tired.  I’m tired of being all the bad things.  I’m tired of being poor.  None of the hard work I have put in, ever, has paid off.  My life has been a waste and I wish I was dead.  All I will ever do is work.  I need a fucking vacation.  I need a God damned friend.  I need for one single fucking thing I do to pay off.  I need to get the blessings that I stand in desperate need of and I am tired of God NOT caring.  I’m tired of all the new fucking challenges.  I’m tired of the adult that takes all the money and leaves me none.  I’m tired of putting all my blood and sweat and tears on the table.  I’m tired of being so fucking lonely.  I want to die.  I hate my fucking life, and I can’t kill myself because it would take all my pain and just give more of it to everyone else.  I wish there was a crash or a fall or an accident.  Anything but sending one more damned day in this hell.  I hate it.

I can’t seem to get up early enough to “run”.  I am too fucking poor to plan meals.  I am to fat to exercise.  I can’t get a bike.  Everything about this life is hopeless and I hate you for not being able to fix it.  Just fix it.  Send me a million dollars.  Fuck.  I need to go to bed and I don’t want to.  I want you to fix this.  Make me pretty or skinny or something.  Fix it.  I can’t.  I hate my fucking life!  Fuck.

Can anyone help?

No one cares.

Translucent.