Endurance.

To endure.  I guess that’s the ultimate goal in life.  All the things that happen all come down to one thing.  Can you endure?

But in trying to endure you are also tasked with a tumultuous existence, you must do something that seems impossible.  This task I have been given seems impossible.

I chose someone who does not love me.  I don’t particularly care for him, but I work hard to do as he asks and put up with his completely inappropriate behavior.  I can not easily walk away.  To walk away means to live in poverty.  But there is no help for people like me.  Just above the poverty line, means I would not be able to get a house, but need a house to keep my kids.  I have contemplated leaving the kids, but for them to have to put up with his narcissism without me as a buffer scares the crap out of me.  Additionally, to give up my kids would mean paying support, and that payment would mean I couldn’t provide a roof for them at all, meaning I would never get them.

They lied in school when they said college would mean being better compensated than middle class.  They lied so much.

His abuse is getting worse.  His cold, dark silence leaves me with no options.  When I don’t talk to him, when I accept that he is not my partner and smile and am me, he loses his shit, saying that I’m not working together, that I don’t want to be a partner and that I am the problem.  When I work hard to be a “good partner” and work with him, I am being clingy and co-dependent and need to make my own decisions.  When I quietly listen and try to respond appropriately, every response is wrong.  He is clearly mentally ill, but won’t get help.  He’s spun so many stories with his family they are fairly suddenly being pretty cruel to me.  His abuse will never let up.

I am left each day fending off hopes of death.  I can’t keep trying to play this hopeless game.  Suicide idealization… Such a fun little thing to try to cope with when the person who has “committed” to you constantly slings insults and injuries.  When they never forgive anything and have no problem committing their own infractions with absolutely no remorse.  His sociopathy  confounds me.

The worst part is the doubt.  What if I am the problem?  What if I really am just a bitch?  What if I am really the unlovable heathen that he treats me as?

The fact that I do all the housework, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the childcare, all the running, all the bills, all the everything… The fact that I have to hide my wallet and keys because he will take them. The fact that he’s drug me out.

He has totally withdrawn.  This means that he asks for “permission” and then if I refuse to grant it, he is mean.  He throws tantrums or plays sick or does it anyway or causes fights.  I get no time off from any responsibility.  He tells me how bad I am in absolutely every way.

 

I hate him.  I hate my life.  The idealization is strong today.  The apathy is strong today.  The depression is strong today.

I need to commit to making some friends, but no one wants to be friends with someone who constantly cancels plans at the last minute because something “comes up”.  What comes up is asshole makes shit up.  He’s sick, or I didn’t communicate whatever minor detail well enough or any number of excuses he has to make me look bad, have no free time and have no friends.  His controlling bullshit.  Being with him makes me sick.

I need to commit to taking care of my body.  I want to be skinny and strong.  The sabotage is strong though.  There is no support or love.  I have no soft place.

I need to commit to writing daily, in the writing I can document some of the physiological ramifications of the abuse, I can document current behaviors and I can work through some of my own issues (and possibly make someone like me feel less alone?, probably not though.  I’m an island, as are most abuse victims.  Not that I believe mine is the worst, just that I’m not out there reading other whiny blogs about other women going through the same thing and I’m sure most of them aren’t looking for mine.)   Maybe I can see some patterns in what works for me and then do more of that.

I need to commit to saving and hiding money.  I need to find a way to keep a secret stash that he cannot touch in the case of a divorce or separation.

I need to work through another finance course.

I need to keep reading “self-help” books, to continue to be reminded that I am not alone, that this is just a chapter in my life.  I need a reminder that in a few short years my children will be grown and I can freely and easily walk away.

I need to do something each day to make myself feel alive.  I don’t know how or when or where to do this?  I do need to mentally prepare for the obstacles and really work through them mentally and be more resilient.

I need to find good responses to his abuses.  I need to find ways to diminish the effect of his words on my heart.  No books or help are written to this.  All anyone ever writes about abuse is “leave”, but if it were that simple, I would.  The potential for harm to my children is too great and this is not an option at this time.  No one around me seems to understand this.  They all just want me to leave.  That’s fine.  I’d love to.  Screw you for not having actual advice.  I need a real response that works to him shutting my phone off.  I need a real response to his bull shit stonewalling.  I need an actual response that works to his psycho habit of screaming at me and then pretending like me being angry and hurt is unwarranted.

I need a backbone.

I want to be a leader.

I want a life – or to die, I’m tired of living in limbo.  I am tired of my entire life being composed of trying to pull myself together and keep all the strings working for my marionette self…  I don’t want to be a marionette.  I want to be a model.

Screw you.

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