Talked at.

His side:

To the best of my ability this is what he said, paraphrased, quotes are quotes…

He feels alone, and like I am a train wreck and said life has been perfect without me.  He said he works hard and wants a patient partner and hard worker like him.  He implied that I don’t work hard.  He went on to tell me that he has been in limbo.

He said that I had excess time, but I just procrastinate all the time.  And that I’m mad when stuff doesn’t work out.

He said “it” keeps happening.  He then informed me that he could help, but he won’t because I am not the kind of person he wants to help.

He said he can’t talk.

He said that if he met me now he would walk away and tell everyone that I was the biggest bitch he ever met.  He is done being with me because I make this toxic and that he wished I’d just be respectful for once because I never have been.

He said that I am just trying to control everything.

He then demanded that we not have a discussion and that I not say anything and we can only do this his way.

“You are the biggest bitch”

“Don’t talk.  For Once, just respect me.”

He said something about me going around talking about him behind his back and he has no reason to try anymore.

“I’m done being with you.  I can’t say what I see and I can’t not say it.”

“This is a toxic situation.  You want to move over here now and you want to be a family.  There are a lot of things that could happen and if everything would happen, it would be fine.  I can’t sit by and watch.  It’s like I’m watching a train wreck.”  He told me I’m a train wreck and life is better without me.

He hung up and said I can call back in two hours.

 

I texted him most of the contents of what he said to the best of my ability along with an apology for making him so miserable.

 

I’m not really sure where to go from there.  On the one hand I do get mad when stuff doesn’t work out.  I don’t take it out on him, but I let him know I was disappointed.  His entire soliloquy is rank with hatred for me.  He hates me.  He said the other day he doesn’t love me.  I should leave but I have no way to do so.  No path that leads to a good life.  I detest his insistence on being in charge.  He is disrespectful about everything.  It keeps being time to let the relationship go, but then it doesn’t seem like it is good for me.  I am so hurt by the fact that he can spend such a significant amount of time berating me.

Part of me wants to turn everything he said around and say the same to him.

I’m not really sure what the mature, rational response is.  I’m tired of listening to his lunatic lectures and then apologizing and then trying to work on the *NOTHING* that I am doing wrong.  He’s wrong about so very much!  😦  But I can’t tell him he’s wrong, I can’t have a discussion, I can’t be adult because he leaves no room for adulting.  We have to fight?  I don’t want to fight.  So I let him treat me like this?

 

My options as I see them:

a. turn everything he said around, because the reverse is true for almost all of it, even though several things he said about me are not true.  (He will blow up)

b. quit. walk away.  try to figure out life as a divorced person in a new city with no friends or family.  completely alone. (I will give in and go back to him in a heartbeat.  I’m a pathetic sack of shit that way.)

c. apologize for my part. (he will blow up)  Then ignore everything he did to hurt me because he doesn’t care and will never apologize for his meanness or lies.  He won’t apologize for losing his temper or anything.  He doesn’t love me.

d. kill myself. (not going to happen, but I long for this option on a daily basis so I thought I’d throw it out there.  I’m sorry that this is an “option” but )

e. get drunk. (I don’t drink, my kids are awake anyway and I’ve never had alcohol so I’m not really sure how I’d react.  Besides they are already mad that I am ignoring them to type on the computer.)

f. keep typing this forever to avoid making an

**Interruption: he called me to tell me that everything I said he said was wrong and that he won’t talk to me anymore, even in two hours so there is no point in trying.** then he hung up on me as usual.

f. keep typing this forever to avoid making a decision.  Not that there is one to make.  I just get to listen and have life happen to me.

g. pray for death.  God never listens to me so this won’t happen, although this would be the best option.  I hate everything about my life.  I am a failure in absolutely every way so there really is no reason to live.  I can’t kill myself because it would cause collateral damage, although I am doing so much damage to the world by being here I don’t see the point of not killing myself… I’ve prayed for death a million times.  It never comes.  Only good people die and I suck.

h. it doesn’t actually matter what I do, it will fail.

I hate my fucking life.  This is how everything goes.  I did exactly what he wanted.  I listened to his idiotic fucking rant about what an inept degenerate I am.  But now I don’t get to speak because he doesn’t like what he said.

 

“I’m sorry for being such an evil bitch.  I wouldn’t want to be with me either.  Obviously I am the only person in the whole world that is a train wreck.  I am the only person that gets angry when things don’t work out.  You are right.  You are so very patient and wise.  Thank you, oh wise leader for being so gracious as to allow me to breath your exhaled particles.  I am not worthy.”  “Oh yea, fuck you.”

“I’m sorry that you have felt alone for 10 years.  Me too.  I know what it feels like to work hard and be patient and not have things work out.  I have been wanting a patient partner too and felt like it wasn’t there.  I know it seems like I’ve had excessive time that I’ve wasted. It seems like the same thing on your end.  It must be really hard to feel like you know how to solve things and not be able to do anything about it.  I know it has been a year in limbo.  Me too.  I know what it feels like to not be able to talk.  Me too.  I know what it feels like to get beat up no matter what.  Me too.  I know what it’s like to have efforts to help fail.  Me too.  I know you think I want to control everything.  Me too.  I know you feel like you would tell everyone what a bitch I was if we had just met now.  I am a bitch.  But if I had just met you I could tell everyone what an asshole you are and how I would never see you again.  I know you want this to not be a discussion.  You say that about everything.  You never want to actually talk about anything.  If you do not call every shot, then when things go wrong they are my fault and you won’t support any effort to fix anything.  You don’t support me.  You don’t feel supported.  I’m sorry I’m such an awful waste of space human being.”

“I wish I had never met you.  I hate you.  I don’t love you.”

“I’m so sorry I am totally wrong.  I will work harder and procrastinate less.  I won’t do all the “it”s.  You have so many, but I am sure I can manage to be Stepford enough for you somehow.  I know I am an inept waste of space for a human.  I know you don’t feel like you can talk.  I know you get beat up.  it is because I am horrible.  Clearly you are a superior human and I cannot match your significantly superior human-ness, but I will try to be worthy of your amazingness.  I know I will fail, but I implore you, oh wise one, please, please allow me to continue breathing your exhaled particulates so that I may raise my children in the wonderfully warm environment your enveloping love provides for me and our spawn.  I am so grateful for each diamond of knowledge you bestow upon me.  I am so incredibly indebted to you.”

 

“You are amazing.  I am sorry for hurting you.  While I would like to turn around everything you said, and to be honest, I could.  I know that you are hurting and I am trying not to hurt you.  I am trying to provide you with companionship that  you have longed for, for the last ten years.  I know you have worked hard and the last year has been especially hard for you with the lack of control and the lack of contact.  I know you have needed me to be more patient.  I know you feel like I procrastinated and wish that I wouldn’t get mad when stuff doesn’t work out.  I know you think “it” keeps happening, although I don’t know what “it” is clearly since “it” keeps changing.  I also know you think that if you met me today you could just walk away and tell your friends you would never see me again because I’m the biggest bitch you had ever met.  I know you feel like you can’t talk, and that you think you get beat up no matter what you say.  I know you are trying to help and that you feel like I just want to control everything.  I also understand that you don’t feel like I ever respect you.  I know you feel like you have no reason to try anymore.  I know you feel like I am a train wreck.  I am sorry that you feel that way.  I’m sorry that you don’t feel like I am a companion.  I am sorry for not understanding you well enough and not doing things correctly.  I am sorry for being such a pain.”

But even if I can manage to utter every word of the last one without him telling me what an insincere piece of fecal matter I am, when the fuck do my needs get met???  He is an insensitive, piece of shit.  I fucking hate him.  I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him, but how do I make that happen?  I can’t keep being alone.  I can’t keep hurting and not being apologized to.  I can’t keep getting told what a … well you get the idea.  He never, ever worries about my needs.  Every conversation ends with me apologizing and him telling me what a piece of shit I am.

Maybe then I can try… “Earlier I recognized that maybe you wanted to talk, I was upset about not finding a house again.  I was trying to explain why I wanted to come Thursday, how it would be easier to find a place if I had two days…  But somehow you thought I was attacking you.  I’m really not sure how.  I was trying to talk and connect and not be alone.  Not just for me either.  But then that didn’t work out either.  I tried to be a good wife.  Even if I did say something wrong, I don’t understand how that made you so angry that you hung up on me.  I don’t understand you continued rage or ignorance to my needs.  I don’t understand your completely asinine treatment.  I don’t understand why you think it is ok to treat me like I don’t matter and tell me I don’t matter.  I don’t understand your ignorance of my good qualities.  Actually I do.  I am shit.  I would never want to be with me if I were you.  After all, you are far superior.”

 

Or, just maybe I can muster: “I’m sorry for upsetting you in the first place.  I am sorry that my good qualities continue to elude your detection.  I will continue to try to respond well to you.  I hope that you can see the good in me soon.  I hope that you can begin to understand that I do not need to be put in my place.  I need support and companionship.  While I do not feel you are willing to give this to me, I will continue to hold out hope for as long as I can.  I’m sorry that you do not love me.  If you would like to get a divorce we should try to work something out soon, since being married to me was the worst decision you ever made and you don’t love me anyway.  I know that neither of us wants a divorce, but if I am really as bad as you say, it is probably for the best.

People don’t change from people telling them how horrible they are.

People change with love.

Well change for the better anyway.

 

When you do your best to say everything right and he won’t respond.  He just says I twist things.  That’s not what he meant.   I’m so tired of being with a narcissist!

 

 

 

 

 

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