Most people don’t understand abuse.  Some people think it is easy to just walk away.  It is easy to walk away.

The fallout isn’t easy.  The after you walk away, staying away is the hard part.

It isn’t always the person who is abuse that the victim is staying for.  Sometimes the abuser uses some type of power to get the person to stay.  Maybe the abuser has the victim’s money, or is in control of that person’s cellular phone.  Maybe the abuser threatens to keep the kids away.  In some cases the abuser is mentally unstable and the victim fears for the abuser’s reaction any time they are not in power.

Planning for the fallout can be impossible.  The fallout is not manageable.  The abuser has taken all their own money and left all the bills for the victim.  Leaving the victim with only gas money – not even enough money for food for the victim and children.  The abuser gets new clothing on a nearly weekly basis.  The victim and the children have to beg and typically get told, “next paycheck”.  The victim doesn’t do fun things.  The victim cooks and cleans and works and doesn’t have money for fun things.  The victim is on a very strict budget.  The victim is weak.  The victim is a piece of crap for staying for 14 years and allowing the victim to be treated this way.  The victim is fooled into thinking they have protected the children.  The victim has protected no one.  The victim should rethink life.

The victim does, but that’s another post.

The victim hates the abuser.  The victim hates that the abuser says mean things and always tells her to change.  He wants her to change everything.  He wants her to be perfect.  She tries but she is just a shitty ass person who deserves to never be listened to.  She deserves to be invisible and abused.  She deserves to never have good food and be fat forever.  She deserves to be ugly.  She deserves all the bad.  She did something really bad.  The victim must be a horrible evil person.

After all, the victim has been abused since childhood.  The victim deserved it then too.  The victim was wild and unlovable even then.  It is no surprise that she stunk and was bullied in school.  It is no surprise that she lost her virginity at 18.  She was a loser who could never hold to her morals.  She deserved to get pregnant with the new abuser.  The old abuser hadn’t done enough.  Maybe if he had abused her more she would deserve a good husband.  But no.  The victim is too horrible.  She doesn’t volunteer enough.  She hasn’t been a good enough wife, or mother, or friend.  The victim is a evil pornography watching, self loving, spirited, spiteful bitch.  She isn’t kind enough.  Maybe if the victim would just be better people could love her.

That is a silly thought.  Anyone who considers that thought is silly.  The victim can’t be better.  She is too horrible.  She needs to change, but she isn’t capable.  No one will ever love her and she will always be poor.  She will never own a home or retire.  No one cares how hard you work or if you went to college or if you started working when you were really young.  If you aren’t a prodigy you don’t deserve to own a home.

The victim deserved to be drug, and chocked and spanked.  Only really bad adults deserve those things and the victim deserved it.  The abuser doesn’t have an anger problem.  If you don’t phrase things correctly it is totally appropriate for the person you are talking to – to turn everything and tell you how it is all your fault, then say “fuck you” and hang up on you.  Victims deserve it.

I wish I believed all this shit.  I wish I believed that whether or not I changed mattered.  The truth is, I am always changing.  Every day I am a little better.  But no one in my life notices.  I am the joke.  I am the one they laugh at.  I am the one who is “too perfect”.

I am so scared.  I have no one to talk to.  I think the people around me don’t notice.  I think everyone thinks I have it together.  I don’t know.

This I know.  I have worked hard since I was a kid.  In spite of the abuse I graduated and have a career.  Because of what has been taken I will never own a house.  All my clothes are second hand.  I am completely alone.

And I will smile and pretend it is all ok as much as I can.


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