.

No  I’m not dealing well. I’m not ok. I need help. But I’m tired of saying it. I’m tired of begging.  He keeps pulling the carpet out from under me. I want a tattoo.   I want to try drinking.   I’ve never. I am losing it. I’m scared.   I’m so fucking scared. No…

Blow

I left that scumbag.   I hate him.  I wish he would get hit by a train.  He keeps telling me what a scumbag I am.  How I deserve to be controlled.  So I wrote this email.  To get it out.   But I sent it to me.  He doesn’t necessarily need to know the…

I

Would REALLY like to  stop being  invisible now Wish.

Must

So. The bra he would only buy me if I let him fuck me…. (My rape bra) just ripped. It is only a couple weeks old. I hate bra shopping and am much too big to go without. We are away from home and I don’t know what I’ll have to do to get a…

Peace

I can’t find any tranquility.  I’m exhausted.  My sister on law told me off yesterday and I was just messing around.  Their whole family is full of assholes.  I can’t handle it.  They are so mean.  I don’t get to say shit and they can say whatever and I sound like a child.  I want…

Gutless.

Just updating to say, no.   I did not get up the time, energy, courage, or whatever to call yet another number that will most likely reject me today.   I’m sorry that I have a good job and no money.  I don’t have control over the money.  I’m sorry I don’t have courage, but…

Not.

You know, it might be a little funny…. If you finally work up the courage to call the DV number.   If you finally are weak enough to ask for help.    If you didn’t want to.   But you were dying a little more each day.  You were a little more scared all the…

Bright.

I’ve never tried alcohol.  I want to.   I don’t have a tatoo.  I want one.   I love music.  I can have it whenever I want. I love being active.  No more TV. I can’t cook.  No more criticism.   Fair chore division. I can do whatever I want. I can go wherever I…

Weekend.

Seriously, he choked my son.  A friend helped me have the courage to call the police, who can’t do anything because his hands weren’t around his throat, but rather, he choked him with his shirt….   Anyhow, I’m glad because I need another two weeks.  Why did he have to put his hands on my…

Di.

I need a way. I need away. I need to go away. Well, I need him to go away.   I’m tired of this fragmented life.  I’m tired of the panic attacks (I didn’t even realize that’s what they were until a couple weeks ago…)   I should be able to shop alone without freaking…

Pass.

So….  I’m still sorry about the sporadic posting.  The truth is that it is so bad, I can’t even think long enough to say it.  The words sound so childish.  I feel like I’m watching it. I smiled as I handed him the sandwich he demanded this morning.  He yelled at me and told me…